I'm not Ahmad

My apologies to Ahmad if I've spelled his name wrong, but I've never seen it written anywhere, just heard it almost every day on my new cell phone. I've been piecing together little bits of his life from the angry calls I receive all the time asking for him. I just got a call from his bounty hunter who was kind enough to chat with me about Ahmad's habit of writing bad checks for anything he needs (50 pounds of steak last week). These checks all have my new phone number on them.

So we know that Ahmad is a large, ex-football player who likes steak, internet porn, and other people's money, and goes by several aliases that sort of sound like Ahmad.

Somewhere out there is a big man on the run, and people think he's me.

I'm tempted to change my phone number, but I kinda want to know how it ends now.